Wrestling with Myself

I kind of want to do something. Something kind of big. And I don’t know if I want to do it for me, or if I want to do it for God. You see I have this stirring inside of me and I’m not sure if it’s my own hormones and history, my own wondering and worry all swishing around in my stomach, pumping through my veins, causing me to want to do this thing. Just because I want to do something. Anything.

Am I simply just bored? Or am I being obedient? Am I on the verge of something great or am I just jumping on a bandwagon? How do you know the difference between your own desires and destiny? Between a coincidence and a calling?

Where is God in all of this? Does He design us with specific dreams and goals, with interests and passions, and then, when He calls us to dream these dreams or gain these goals or investigate these interests or pursue these passions, are we allowed to actually enjoy it?

For some reason, I always think of God’s work being hard. It being something that you really don’t want to do. Something that causes you to want to run the other way. To hide out on a boat. To make up excuses. To show him you’re the wrong person. To prove to him that he is wrong. It’s never something that you’ve actually thought about doing before. It’s never something that if you squint, albeit really tightly, you could maybe actually see yourself doing, somewhere far off in your wildest best dreams about yourself.

I don’t know who I think God is. But I must not think he’s my Father. Because if I did I would never think this way. My Father wouldn’t want to squeeze the life out of me just to make himself happy. My Father wouldn’t want to trick me into believing him and then just make me miserable. My Father wouldn’t only want me to do things that suck. Things that make me hate myself. Things that make me cry. Things that have nothing whatsoever to do with who I am or what I even like to do.

My Father would love to see me smile. My Father would love to see me grow in really great ways. My Father would challenge me, but wouldn’t set me up for failure. He would delight in me and really enjoy when I am really enjoying what he wants for me.

This thing that I’m thinking about maybe wanting to do conflicts with other things that I think I could be doing. Things that I think I should be doing. So because of that, I feel like it couldn’t be from God. But then, at the same time, it all just fits together and I feel like maybe the things I think I should be doing will all work out too, just not the way I see them in my perfectly planned out map in my mind.

Part of me thinks that I’m simplifying this thing and that if I actually did it I would be miserable. I would realize that it was just the thrill of the moment and the fantasy of it all and what I was actually doing was running away from reality. Part of me thinks I should get out of my head and stand firm on the ground and just stop dreaming. Part of me thinks I should look around and hold on tightly to all I have around me because, if I were to do this risky crazy thing, I wouldn’t have all of this around me anymore. And that’s the part of me that keeps me sitting here. My body clenched and my muscles tight. Holding on so tightly to this life I have for fear that I just might lose it.

And the last thing I want to do is lose this.

So here I am. Wrestling with myself. Looking for clear signs and shouts and smacks in the face. Reaching out for God’s hand to pull me out or pick me up and place me in just the right position. In just the right profession. In just the right passion.

I’m holding on to this life while looking towards another one, wondering if the two could actually be one in the same, but knowing that either way I’m going to have to sacrifice the possibility of something.

Love. 

Of course after reading this this verse came to mind...

"Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me." John 12:25-26