insecurity

I realized something today

While being in the presence of all of these

Really

Great

Women

These women who I have looked up to

And looked to

In various aspects of their lives

These women who I look at and think

“She has it all together”

With her outfit just so

And her smile just so

And every hair in place just so

These women whose lives seem

So far beyond mine

Whose names ring familiar throughout the town

Who have perfect jobs in just the right position

Doing just the right things

Who are married to men in prominent places

Who travel the country

Doing very important things

These women who have two point five children

And live in beautiful houses

With mowed grass

And manicured lawns

Who have cocktail parties

And "do lunch"

And go to luncheons

And dress up 
To go to brunch

These women

I realized something

While being around these kinds of women

I realized

That

They

Are

Just

Like

Me

That they don’t actually have it all together

That they hurt deeply

And feel deeply

And cry deep fat tears

That stream down their faces collecting in pools at the end of their chins

That they wipe snot from their nostrils with the back of their hand

And cry ugly cries

Hard cries

That their hearts get broken

That they try to hide their true feelings

Behind thick pretty smiles

I realized

While I sit and think that everyone knows the chaos going on inside my head

While I feel translucent and sure that everyone can see right through to  
The heart of me

The part of me that I try so hard to keep

Buried

And

Protected.

I feel like no one gets me

And no one could possibly know how it is to be me

I feel untalented

And unloved

And unwanted

And mis

Un

Der

Stood
I realized
That they just might feel
The
Same
Way
Too.

There was a particularly great girl there

A girl who I look at and always think

MAN

I wish I could be like her

And I beat myself up for not being more like her

And I think that we could possibly be friends because maybe we’re somewhat alike but then decide that we’re really not and Ill never ever

Be

Like

Her

And this very girl

With all of her coolness

And cute clothes

With all of her accessories

And artistic flair

Looked at me and said

She wanted 
To 
Be 
Like 
Me

And it blew my mind.

So here we are

All of us women with all of our problems 
And all of our pain a
And all of our doubt

And we look at each other and think

“She has it all together”

And we kick ourselves for not being more like her

And we shame ourselves for not being more like her

And we hide ourselves away for not being more like her

When really

We

Are

We all are

Each and every one of us

We are all so much alike

We are all

Insecure

Girls

Who just want to play Barbies with each other

Who just want to invite each other over for a fake tea party

And play dress up

And laugh

And hug

And sleep on the living room floor in flower pajamas

And Baby Sitters Club sleeping bags
Read ghost stories
And talk about boys late into the night

We all want to be told

You are lovely

And amazing

And valid

And real

And someone worth hanging out with

And someone worth holding onto
And really really believe it.

And then

We want to be told

I love you

And I promise 
I will never 
Ever 
Leave 
You.
And know 
That we can 
Believe that too.

To all the women who have ever felt like they just didn’t measure up. Which, I think, just might be every woman who ever lived.

Love.