An Eerie, Yet Beautiful Anniversary

I wrote the post below first, then after I went back and actually thought about it, I decided I wanted to write more. I'm thinking about last year. And when I actually start thinking about it, it takes me back to sitting there. I can see it. And I realize that it really did affect me. My team and I tried so hard to deny that we were affected, because we felt like we didn't have a right to be. We weren't actually there. In the center. We were so far away.

But, we were affected. Even though we so quickly scampered back to our normal lives. Even though our bonds broke and we all drifted away from each other. We stopped talking about it. We stopped fixating on it. And soon enough everything was back to normal.

I moved so quickly after that, 2 1/2 months later I was in a new city, a new house, a new job, and a new life. I was trying so hard to adjust to this newness, but I was still processing what had happened a few months ago. Although I didn't realize it at the time. I didn't realize that the transition I had just gone through was kind of a big deal. I think it was God opening up a door, but it was also me running. I think all of us ran, in one direction or another.

This whole year has been changes and busyness. It's been filled with questions and loneliness and happiness and solidarity and heart break and wondering and searching and knowing and believing and learning. So much has happened.

So now, I think it's time to actually SIT DOWN and process this past year of my life. Not to you all. But to myself. I need to look at who my God has been this whole year. I need to think about the different feelings I've gone through and the feelings I've tried to suppress. I think we all need to do that.

Here's my original entry. Love.

January 12, 2011

One year ago

Today

I was standing on a porch

Feeling the earth shake below me

I didn’t know what had happened then

Didn’t know that so much was going on 
In the world around me

Didn’t know that so much would be changed

In the world inside of me

I remember scrambling up a hill

Trying to escape the possible

Flood

I remember not knowing

Not knowing where my family was

Not knowing if they knew I was safe

Not knowing if I was safe

Not knowing how long we’d have to wait

Not knowing how I’d get home

Not knowing if I’d live through the night

But

I sat on the ground

And

Sang

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

Your perfect love is casting out fear.”

And

I tried my best

To mean it.

And soon

I really did

Mean it.

I meant every word of it.

I

Was

Not

Afraid

Then.

If I could trust you then

Lord

Even though I had NO IDEA

What might happen to me

Even though I had NO IDEA

What was actually going on in the world

Even though I had NO IDEA

What the next step would be

I knew one thing

You

Were

With

Me

I knew you wouldn’t leave me

I knew you wouldn’t forsake me

I knew that you would guide me

I knew that you would protect me

I knew that you weren’t letting go

You wouldn’t let me fall

You wouldn’t even let me stumble

I knew that Lord

Then

So why do I have such trouble remembering that

Now?

Why do I forget that?

You are the same Lord

You have not changed

That same God who delivered me then

Is with me NOW

Still as interested in me

Today

As you were

365 days ago

Why do I think you only rescue me when the situation is dire?

Why do I believe that you only guide me when I listen to you?

Why do I listen to the lies that tell me that

You

Have

Left

Me?

Lord

You have not left me

You have not lost hope in me

You are still with me

You are still working in me

I am still in your will

While I feel bad being focused on myself in the midst of such a

Huge

Tragedy

I have to know that this is my life

And to deny what I’m feeling would be to deny that I am

Alive

So

Lord

First I need to realize who I am

Who you are

And then

I can focus on the life I am living

You Lord are

My deliverer

My sustainer

My comforter

My redeemer

My creator

You’re my

Best friend

My ever present help in trouble

The one who knows me by name

Who delights in me

And holds on to me

You have not left me

You are right here

Just like you were then

Just like you always will be. 

Love.