Integrity

I'm trying to be a person of integrity. Someone who does what she says and doesn't just present ideas and then not follow through on them. It's hard because I have so many random ideas that float through my head and oftentimes I vocalize them, completely sincerely, but don't always follow through in the end.

God always talks about guarding our tongue and watching what we say, and I think one of the reasons he says this is because our words have such power. We have the power to hurt and to heal to honor and to destroy all with the slip of a tongue or a well thought out phrase. I think our words also have the power to create life or to take it away. We can create an entire world just through stories and dreams shared or we can also tear worlds down with negative ramblings or destructive words. 

It always hurts me so much when someone promises that they will do something and then they don't follow through. Even if it's a really small thing, for some reason the not following through part always stings. I don't want to be that person. And so many times I am. So many times I get a great idea and I talk about it and talk about it and then never do it. Or I plan on going somewhere or plan on starting something and I end up canceling my plans or not starting my something. 

Even when I have the best reasons for not doing whatever I said I would, it's still not right. I shouldn't say I will do something and then just change my mind. Even if I get sick or can't afford it or lose interest I shouldn't not follow through.

So I'm trying a new thing. I've been trying it intentionally for the last year or so, although I haven't always succeeded. But I'm trying to actually do the things I say I am going to do. Even if they seem outlandish. If I say it, I have to do it. 

So either I'm going to get into these crazy wild situations, spend way too much money, and experience all kinds of new things in life or I'll finally learn to guard my tongue and learn the practice of protecting others from possibly hurtful words. Either way I think I will gain some sort of integrity and sincerity.

Love.

Christians and Calling

Christianity has gotten too calling based. In the days of the disciples and Paul, Timothy and Barnabas these men didn’t go around looking for their calling. Searching desperately for a profession. Instead they just got up and did something. Jesus called. He called them from fishing boats and tax offices. He called them from the tops of trees and Dr’s offices and when he called they came forward. But they didn’t sit around waiting to be called. They didn’t ask Him “Master, now what?” They just walked with him and went. They just got out of their boats and got down from that tree and left their offices and went towards him. They didn’t ask any questions, they just went. Their hearts were his.

And although they weren’t perfect, even after they had been called they still messed up, they still went. They didn’t say, “Wait until I’m better Lord.” They didn’t say “Wait I need to know more about you first.” They didn’t say “Wait I need to love God more first.” They just got up and walked towards Jesus and let Him do the leading from there. They didn’t need to know where they were going. They never asked, “Am I the right person for this?” They never questioned if they should be doing something else for Jesus. Something just as great, but different, in a different location or in a different job. No. They just walked with Jesus walking right beside them.

They went to where Jesus was and worked. They did whatever he asked in that moment. Hand out these loaves of bread. Find that boy. Go to this town. Do not complain. Sit down and eat this meal with me. They did it when he asked, not wondering if they were prepared. Not assuming that they might be doing the wrong thing. They just did whatever whenever he seemed to be asking them.

We get so caught up in our specific calling. How does my personality blend with my past experiences and my education and my passions to line up into this specific area? And where all of these things line up therein lies my calling. And with this calling I can do this one thing as long as I do it for Jesus. I don’t doubt that some people are better at things than others. I don’t doubt that some things come naturally to some people while others struggle to even try them. But I think that anyone can learn anything if they just give it some time. I think that if anyone is willing to do anything and if they do it with all they have then Jesus says, “Good job.”

I don’t think God ever says, “Well that was good, but it would have been better if the person I had called did it.” I don’t think God ever says, “You did a pretty good job at that, but in doing that you missed out on your one true calling.” I don’t think God looks at the details of our jobs. I don’t think he looks at the cities we’re in or the specific area of our field. Instead I think he only looks at one thing, our heart. Our willingness to do whatever needs to be done wherever we are. If there’s a fire burning down a house put it out. If there’s a man who’s hungry give him food. If there’s a cat stuck in a tree help him down. I think it helps if we have a hose or a sandwich or a ladder, but I also think that in those situations, if we’re there, and willing to extinguish that fire and feed that man and save that cat, then God will gladly provide the water and the sandwich and the ladder.

I spend so much time analyzing over and over what it is that God wants me to do in any given moment. And I think that he really just wants me to live. He really just wants me to get up off of the couch, put down my laptop, get off of the internet, and go outside and live a life. Serve where someone needs help. Love where someone is lonely. Hug someone who needs to be touched. Smile at someone who hasn’t been smiled at in a long time. And if I’m willing to go 2000 miles to smile at those people I don’t think God ever says, “ I had people in your back yard I wanted you to smile at, now who’s going to smile at them? You really messed up there.” No I think he says, “I’m glad you went there. Here’s some more people who need to be smiled at.”

All of this, “Should I do this, should I say that, should I work here, should I apply there, should I go to school, should I move there, should I join that, should I volunteer there” is really just me trying to please everyone around me. Because I know that the consequences I’m so deeply afraid of are actually consequences from not giving the people in my life what they want. So, instead of making up my own mind and disappointing them with my decision, I use God as an excuse. I use God as a crutch. They can’t be disappointed if God told me to do it. So I wait and I wait for God to tell me when all the while God stays silent.

I keep waiting for a puppet master when really God is a hands off kind of God. I believe he is intimately acquainted with me, but I think that he is intimately acquainted with my heart, not my skill set.

I believe that God blessed me with a brain, a brain that learns things quickly and understands things and questions things that it doesn’t understand. I believe God blessed me with eyes, eyes that see beauty and color that love to look at nature and fabrics and texture. I believe he blessed me with ears. Ears that listen when they're working right, that pick up on subtleties in conversations when they're in tuned, that love music and the sound of laughter and waves and trains and the voices of people I love. I believe he blessed me with hands. Hands that hold tightly and type very quickly and love the feeling of textures and other peoples skin. That can hold books and babies and food and other hands. Hands that clean and give and lift up and caress. I believe he gave me arms that love to hug and feet that are able to walk and legs that I can stand on and a butt that I can sit on and a mouth that I can talk with. 

But from there, everything else has been learned and developed. I do believe that some things I’m just good at while other things I’m not, some things I often enjoy while other things I usually don’t, but I also deeply believe that I can get better and worse at anything. I’m not always in the mood to hug someone and I don’t always feel like listening. Sometimes I make decisions very quickly and other times it takes me months. Sometimes I’m so articulate it surprises me and other times I stumble and mumble over my garbled jarbled words. And I don’t think God really cares about any of these specifics, because he can do anything at any time with what he’s given me or what he hasn’t. He can give me the words when I need them and give me the people who will hug me back. He just needs one thing. A willing heart.

So God

I will try to stop searching so desperately for answers and direction. For a calling and an end goal. And instead I will say, “Here I am. Arms open wide. Here’s my heart. Take all of me.” And I will get off of my bed and serve where I’m at. I will look for opportunities to love others. And I will go places where help may be needed and ask, “What can I do for you?”

You are lovely Lord.

Love.

So you want to be a writer--Charles Bukowski

I just found this poem and had to post it. Love it!

So You Want To Be A Writer

if it doesn't come bursting out of you in spite of everything, don't do it. unless it comes unasked out of your heart and your mind and your mouth and your gut, don't do it. if you have to sit for hours staring at your computer screen or hunched over your typewriter searching for words, don't do it. if you're doing it for money or fame, don't do it. if you're doing it because you want women in your bed, don't do it. if you have to sit there and rewrite it again and again, don't do it. if it's hard work just thinking about doing it, don't do it. if you're trying to write like somebody else, forget about it. if you have to wait for it to roar out of you, then wait patiently. if it never does roar out of you, do something else. if you first have to read it to your wife or your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your parents or to anybody at all, you're not ready. don't be like so many writers, don't be like so many thousands of people who call themselves writers, don't be dull and boring and pretentious, don't be consumed with self- love. the libraries of the world have yawned themselves to sleep over your kind. don't add to that. don't do it. unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket, unless being still would drive you to madness or suicide or murder, don't do it. unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don't do it. when it is truly time, and if you have been chosen, it will do it by itself and it will keep on doing it until you die or it dies in you. there is no other way. and there never was.

Wrestling with Myself

I kind of want to do something. Something kind of big. And I don’t know if I want to do it for me, or if I want to do it for God. You see I have this stirring inside of me and I’m not sure if it’s my own hormones and history, my own wondering and worry all swishing around in my stomach, pumping through my veins, causing me to want to do this thing. Just because I want to do something. Anything.

Am I simply just bored? Or am I being obedient? Am I on the verge of something great or am I just jumping on a bandwagon? How do you know the difference between your own desires and destiny? Between a coincidence and a calling?

Where is God in all of this? Does He design us with specific dreams and goals, with interests and passions, and then, when He calls us to dream these dreams or gain these goals or investigate these interests or pursue these passions, are we allowed to actually enjoy it?

For some reason, I always think of God’s work being hard. It being something that you really don’t want to do. Something that causes you to want to run the other way. To hide out on a boat. To make up excuses. To show him you’re the wrong person. To prove to him that he is wrong. It’s never something that you’ve actually thought about doing before. It’s never something that if you squint, albeit really tightly, you could maybe actually see yourself doing, somewhere far off in your wildest best dreams about yourself.

I don’t know who I think God is. But I must not think he’s my Father. Because if I did I would never think this way. My Father wouldn’t want to squeeze the life out of me just to make himself happy. My Father wouldn’t want to trick me into believing him and then just make me miserable. My Father wouldn’t only want me to do things that suck. Things that make me hate myself. Things that make me cry. Things that have nothing whatsoever to do with who I am or what I even like to do.

My Father would love to see me smile. My Father would love to see me grow in really great ways. My Father would challenge me, but wouldn’t set me up for failure. He would delight in me and really enjoy when I am really enjoying what he wants for me.

This thing that I’m thinking about maybe wanting to do conflicts with other things that I think I could be doing. Things that I think I should be doing. So because of that, I feel like it couldn’t be from God. But then, at the same time, it all just fits together and I feel like maybe the things I think I should be doing will all work out too, just not the way I see them in my perfectly planned out map in my mind.

Part of me thinks that I’m simplifying this thing and that if I actually did it I would be miserable. I would realize that it was just the thrill of the moment and the fantasy of it all and what I was actually doing was running away from reality. Part of me thinks I should get out of my head and stand firm on the ground and just stop dreaming. Part of me thinks I should look around and hold on tightly to all I have around me because, if I were to do this risky crazy thing, I wouldn’t have all of this around me anymore. And that’s the part of me that keeps me sitting here. My body clenched and my muscles tight. Holding on so tightly to this life I have for fear that I just might lose it.

And the last thing I want to do is lose this.

So here I am. Wrestling with myself. Looking for clear signs and shouts and smacks in the face. Reaching out for God’s hand to pull me out or pick me up and place me in just the right position. In just the right profession. In just the right passion.

I’m holding on to this life while looking towards another one, wondering if the two could actually be one in the same, but knowing that either way I’m going to have to sacrifice the possibility of something.

Love. 

Of course after reading this this verse came to mind...

"Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me." John 12:25-26

You just never know...

I found out tonight about a brother of a friend of a new friend of mine who died last week from an Aneurysm. He was twenty three. The thought of that just terrifies me. It makes me realize that you really never know.

I think back over the people who I've known who have died. Not just known but loved. Some of them were dying already, yet it still caught us by surprise. But then, most of them, were completely unexpected. And that hurts the most. 

It scares me. It makes me want to huddle myself up in the corner, underneath a warm blanket. It makes me want to stay in my pajamas all day. It makes me want to hug everyone I know. It makes me want to gather everyone I know in one room and make them promise they'll never ever leave that room. Not even to go to the bathroom.

It makes me want to party. To eat A LOT of foods that I try to avoid, but catch myself eating anyway. It makes me want to eat piles of chocolate covered french fries and drink thick dark beers and lick tubs of frosting. It makes me want to go on vacations, but only surrounded by people I love, and do everything with them that I've always wanted to do someday with myself, and hope and hope that they enjoy it as much as I always have in my head.

It makes me never want to move away. It makes me want to stay right here, living with my sister, with my parents near by, until the day I die too. 

It makes me want to both stop living and live completely. It makes me want to do everything and do nothing, to be still and run around experiencing every drop of life I can manage to get my hands on.

It scares me, the thought of how fragile this life is. The thought of how temporary it can all be. But then it also reminds me of how important every single step is.

It makes me never want to complain again. Ever. It makes me not want to worry or sigh or roll my eyes. It makes me want to laugh and stare and say whatever pops into my head. It makes me want to apologize more and apologize less. It makes me want to change it all and not do anything different at all.

I think about how I feel when people I love die. I get a chocking feeling in my throat and I feel like I'll never be able to eat again. It cripples my insides. It distances me from everyone around, while also pulling me so much closer. 

But then, I think about the day that I'm going to die and while I get that same sort of choking feeling, I also get a feeling of...peace. 

I think about that first face I'm going to see. Of me running down a hallway and meeting at the other end, face to face with Jesus. I think about hugging him and telling him, "See I KNEW you were real." And us laughing and him saying, "Yeah I knew I was too." I think about God telling me about the day he thought me up. And then me feeling the fullness of his love and finally feeling complete. Knowing for the first time in my life that I am actually whole and I no longer have to feel discontent or frustration or anxiety or restlessness again. 

I don't just think about the complete elation and the no more pain parts. All of that is amazing. But I also think about the looking into the eyes of my Savior part and the finally understanding the Trinity part and the hugging the One who loves me more than anyone ever could part. I think about the no longer wondering, the deep satisfaction of no longer searching, and that feeling deep down of longing and missing finally being fulfilled. 

So I'm wrestling with that tonight. The tension between wanting to live life to the fullest and wanting to just stay put. Between wanting to hold on so tightly and wanting to allow myself to let go. Wanting to not limit myself but also not wanting to waste a single moment.

Praying for her family.

Love.

An Eerie, Yet Beautiful Anniversary

I wrote the post below first, then after I went back and actually thought about it, I decided I wanted to write more. I'm thinking about last year. And when I actually start thinking about it, it takes me back to sitting there. I can see it. And I realize that it really did affect me. My team and I tried so hard to deny that we were affected, because we felt like we didn't have a right to be. We weren't actually there. In the center. We were so far away.

But, we were affected. Even though we so quickly scampered back to our normal lives. Even though our bonds broke and we all drifted away from each other. We stopped talking about it. We stopped fixating on it. And soon enough everything was back to normal.

I moved so quickly after that, 2 1/2 months later I was in a new city, a new house, a new job, and a new life. I was trying so hard to adjust to this newness, but I was still processing what had happened a few months ago. Although I didn't realize it at the time. I didn't realize that the transition I had just gone through was kind of a big deal. I think it was God opening up a door, but it was also me running. I think all of us ran, in one direction or another.

This whole year has been changes and busyness. It's been filled with questions and loneliness and happiness and solidarity and heart break and wondering and searching and knowing and believing and learning. So much has happened.

So now, I think it's time to actually SIT DOWN and process this past year of my life. Not to you all. But to myself. I need to look at who my God has been this whole year. I need to think about the different feelings I've gone through and the feelings I've tried to suppress. I think we all need to do that.

Here's my original entry. Love.

January 12, 2011

One year ago

Today

I was standing on a porch

Feeling the earth shake below me

I didn’t know what had happened then

Didn’t know that so much was going on 
In the world around me

Didn’t know that so much would be changed

In the world inside of me

I remember scrambling up a hill

Trying to escape the possible

Flood

I remember not knowing

Not knowing where my family was

Not knowing if they knew I was safe

Not knowing if I was safe

Not knowing how long we’d have to wait

Not knowing how I’d get home

Not knowing if I’d live through the night

But

I sat on the ground

And

Sang

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

Your perfect love is casting out fear.”

And

I tried my best

To mean it.

And soon

I really did

Mean it.

I meant every word of it.

I

Was

Not

Afraid

Then.

If I could trust you then

Lord

Even though I had NO IDEA

What might happen to me

Even though I had NO IDEA

What was actually going on in the world

Even though I had NO IDEA

What the next step would be

I knew one thing

You

Were

With

Me

I knew you wouldn’t leave me

I knew you wouldn’t forsake me

I knew that you would guide me

I knew that you would protect me

I knew that you weren’t letting go

You wouldn’t let me fall

You wouldn’t even let me stumble

I knew that Lord

Then

So why do I have such trouble remembering that

Now?

Why do I forget that?

You are the same Lord

You have not changed

That same God who delivered me then

Is with me NOW

Still as interested in me

Today

As you were

365 days ago

Why do I think you only rescue me when the situation is dire?

Why do I believe that you only guide me when I listen to you?

Why do I listen to the lies that tell me that

You

Have

Left

Me?

Lord

You have not left me

You have not lost hope in me

You are still with me

You are still working in me

I am still in your will

While I feel bad being focused on myself in the midst of such a

Huge

Tragedy

I have to know that this is my life

And to deny what I’m feeling would be to deny that I am

Alive

So

Lord

First I need to realize who I am

Who you are

And then

I can focus on the life I am living

You Lord are

My deliverer

My sustainer

My comforter

My redeemer

My creator

You’re my

Best friend

My ever present help in trouble

The one who knows me by name

Who delights in me

And holds on to me

You have not left me

You are right here

Just like you were then

Just like you always will be. 

Love. 

insecurity

I realized something today

While being in the presence of all of these

Really

Great

Women

These women who I have looked up to

And looked to

In various aspects of their lives

These women who I look at and think

“She has it all together”

With her outfit just so

And her smile just so

And every hair in place just so

These women whose lives seem

So far beyond mine

Whose names ring familiar throughout the town

Who have perfect jobs in just the right position

Doing just the right things

Who are married to men in prominent places

Who travel the country

Doing very important things

These women who have two point five children

And live in beautiful houses

With mowed grass

And manicured lawns

Who have cocktail parties

And "do lunch"

And go to luncheons

And dress up 
To go to brunch

These women

I realized something

While being around these kinds of women

I realized

That

They

Are

Just

Like

Me

That they don’t actually have it all together

That they hurt deeply

And feel deeply

And cry deep fat tears

That stream down their faces collecting in pools at the end of their chins

That they wipe snot from their nostrils with the back of their hand

And cry ugly cries

Hard cries

That their hearts get broken

That they try to hide their true feelings

Behind thick pretty smiles

I realized

While I sit and think that everyone knows the chaos going on inside my head

While I feel translucent and sure that everyone can see right through to  
The heart of me

The part of me that I try so hard to keep

Buried

And

Protected.

I feel like no one gets me

And no one could possibly know how it is to be me

I feel untalented

And unloved

And unwanted

And mis

Un

Der

Stood
I realized
That they just might feel
The
Same
Way
Too.

There was a particularly great girl there

A girl who I look at and always think

MAN

I wish I could be like her

And I beat myself up for not being more like her

And I think that we could possibly be friends because maybe we’re somewhat alike but then decide that we’re really not and Ill never ever

Be

Like

Her

And this very girl

With all of her coolness

And cute clothes

With all of her accessories

And artistic flair

Looked at me and said

She wanted 
To 
Be 
Like 
Me

And it blew my mind.

So here we are

All of us women with all of our problems 
And all of our pain a
And all of our doubt

And we look at each other and think

“She has it all together”

And we kick ourselves for not being more like her

And we shame ourselves for not being more like her

And we hide ourselves away for not being more like her

When really

We

Are

We all are

Each and every one of us

We are all so much alike

We are all

Insecure

Girls

Who just want to play Barbies with each other

Who just want to invite each other over for a fake tea party

And play dress up

And laugh

And hug

And sleep on the living room floor in flower pajamas

And Baby Sitters Club sleeping bags
Read ghost stories
And talk about boys late into the night

We all want to be told

You are lovely

And amazing

And valid

And real

And someone worth hanging out with

And someone worth holding onto
And really really believe it.

And then

We want to be told

I love you

And I promise 
I will never 
Ever 
Leave 
You.
And know 
That we can 
Believe that too.

To all the women who have ever felt like they just didn’t measure up. Which, I think, just might be every woman who ever lived.

Love.

He can work it out

I found this video last night. It's amazing! I'm so inspired by how God comes through in those moments we think we have to depend on ourselves. I'm trying to believe that right now. I know that it's true, because it's always proven true in the past. I also know that it's true, because I can see it happening in my life right now!

But there's still so many things I wonder about...where I should be living, what I should actually be doing with my life.

I don't want to "miss out" on anything. I don't want to be so busy searching that I miss what's going on all around me. I don't want to push aside promises and gifts because I'm looking for them in a different package.

So this video inspires me. If we give our lives to God and make ourselves available, he will work it out for us.  I have to remember that my life IS HIS! That I have offered him my life and so I don't have to worry about not being in the right place.

I worry so much that I'm going to go in one direction while I should instead be going in the opposite. I have to find comfort believing that God will always direct my path.

Love.