Growing Pains

Tonight was rough. I don't know if it's my prayer trying to make me tougher or what but tonight was crumbling. It was frustrating. It was intense. It was loud and anxious and confrontational and rude and hurtful.

I'm envious of those people who have Teflon skin. Those who can let things bounce off of them, sliding down their backs, flowing away from their hearts. I'm not one of those people. I'm more of a sponge than Teflon. I absorb whatever comes into contact with me. These emotions sit here, festering inside of me, growing mold, and are starting to stink. Even writing this is too much for me tonight. I've never had a blog before because my writing is so personal. Writing on here I'm censoring myself and I'm writing in a style that I don't usually write in.

I wonder how other people do it. How people can go on and on in blogs, how people can keep their same style going when there's the chance that someone else might read it without them knowing it. So perhaps Ill keep this casual. Just post video clips and images and not go on about my heart. When you absorb the hurt around you your heart is always filled to the brim, always on the verge of overflowing.

Tonight on my way to group I passed an intersection I pass every day I go to work. But I noticed something new there today. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a BIG brown teddy bear sitting on the curb. As I sat there waiting for the light to turn green, I realized why it was there. Yesterday a seven-year old child was run over by a city bus at that very intersection. The thing about it is that the Bear was not put at the corner of the intersection, but was a few feet away on the sidewalk. It made me think that the boy had been standing on the sidewalk when it happened and the thought of that made the whole situation feel even worse.

It was foreboding, sitting at that light, seeing that bear out of the corner of my eye, feeling the weight of this poor child's murder. It stirred up my insides and I carried that heaviness with me into group.

Group was filled with drama. Two of the girls went off because we told them they had to put away their cell phones. It reminded me of when I was a teacher and I hated being in a position of authority. I stood up for the rule though. These girls need to know how important it is that they are fully present. It's less about a cell phone and more about their hearts. It's more about us wanting them to grow. It's more about us wanting to help. It's more about us wanting to be a part of their lives.

There was more to it. More drama. More anxiety. More conflict. More heaviness. I know I'll have to keep going though. Keep praying. Keep hoping. Keep wanting everyone to grow, including myself. I know I have so much to learn. I know I have so much to gain.

Growing pains are the worst. Feeling yourself being stretched, wanting to fight it, but knowing that in the end THIS will be the best thing for you. Ill just have to stick it out.

I've been praying for that small child tonight. Praying for his family. It's so tragic.

I went from feeling so light and lovely today to feeling so heavy and hopeless. But there's God. I have to remember this. I have to hope in this. I have to know that he is working in all of this. I have to know that pain lasts for a night but joy comes in the morning.

Love.