Domestic Violence

I went to a prayer meeting tonight at this church I go to sometimes. I've been having a really hard week and am so confused right now and really need some clarity from God. At the end of the meeting this woman stood up and asked for prayer. She said a woman she knows had just killed her own husband. She said he'd been abusing her. I grew up watching those Lifetime movies about women who were abused and they always really got to me. I HATE domestic violence. I mean I'm sure most sane people do, but it makes me so angry. And sad. And sick to my stomach. I hate when men yell at women. I hate power struggles. I hate intimidation. I hate emotional abuse. I hate all of it. I remember those movies where the woman is so abused and then she has to go into hiding because her husband is after her. It always makes me so angry. Why should she have to give up her whole life because some JERK won't leave her alone? I know that it can go both ways. I know that sometimes men are abused by women. And believe me I hate that too. But usually it's women, being beaten by men, feeling trapped, and then having no way out.

I'm not advocating the fact that this woman killed her husband. It's such a tragic story. It just makes me so sad that she felt that desperate. That she felt like she had no way out. I wish she had run. I wish she had gotten so far away from him he could never find her. The woman at church said this woman is in jail for first degree murder. She also said that her husband had almost beat her to death the night before. If she had killed him then it probably would have been self defense. But instead, she waited to the next night. Who knows what happened that night. So like I said, I'm not advocating murder. I just think it's a tragic story.

There's this website called echoprayer it's awesome! You can sign in and enter prayers and then the website will email or text you reminders. So one of mine is for women who are being abused. I have this passion for ending sex trafficking and prostitution and this just seemed like a logical choice for a prayer. The interesting thing about it is that I got that prayer request today.

So I went to prayer so lost. I asked God for direction and then this woman stands up and tells this story. I know in some way I'm going to end up working with survivors of domestic violence. I have a heart for these women (and sometimes men) and it makes me so sick to my stomach.


I wrote this story tonight:

The sound of footsteps echos down the hall

I can hear them

Coming closer

To me

I hold my breath

Hoping that maybe you won’t hear me breathing

Hoping that maybe you’ll forget that I’m alive

Hoping you’ll think that

Somehow my life has already been

Taken

By another before you

I search my mind

Scrambling for thoughts

Looking for some sort of remedy

An escape route of sorts

Searching for some way out.

I hear you getting closer

Your footsteps are hard

I bite my tongue

Trying so hard to pass out

Hoping that maybe I won’t have to feel this

Thing 
I am about to endure

I hear you reach for the doorknob

It starts to turn and so does my stomach

My heart beats so loudly I swear you can probably hear it through the door.

I steady my breathing

Trying my best not to panic

But here you are

In my room

Waking me from my sleep

You don’t care

I could be half dead and I would still "get what's coming to" me

You have no mercy for anyone

Especially for

Me

I don’t understand why I married you

The person I saw back then is not the person who stands here

Now

Hovered over me

I try to remember back to the time when your face showed compassion

The time when I could see a future in your eyes

The time when I looked at you and saw

Love

But I know that time was brief

Together only a few months before I walked down the aisle

I should have listened to my gut

To the still small voice inside of me that kept saying

Don't

Do

It.

But I didn’t

Instead I listened to the loud voices all around me that said

“You guys are so cute”

“He is such a great guy”

“You two are perfect for each other”

“You don’t want to be single forever”

“Everyone gets married...eventually”

So I ran to you

Hoping that maybe you would be my way out

My way out of this town I grew up in

My way out of this head that I’m stuck in

My way out of these 
“You’re not good enough” chants 
That run through my mind

My way out of this 
Crippling 
Feeling 
Of 
Loneliness

You seemed so great

Then

But I knew somewhere deep inside that

Nothing 
Is 
Ever 
Perfect.

I believed your smile

I believed your handsome face

I believed your strong hands

That held me so tightly

So comforting

Then

Who knew what used to cause me such 
Joy 
Could now cause me such

Pain?

So now I lie here

Trying my best not to move

Hoping that maybe you’ll change your mind this time

Hoping that maybe you’ll come to your senses this time

But I feel you hovering over me

Breathing deeply the way you always do right before

So I tense my whole body up

Anxiously anticipating

Your

Next

Punch.

Praying for people who are being abused. Praying that they don't make a big mistake. Praying that they are delivered. Praying that they get out. Praying for peace. Praying for mercy. Praying for courage. Praying for boldness. Praying for love.


Love to all.