Still and rested

I wrote this after I got back from visiting California in the Spring.
I found it today while searching "Adventure" on my computer.
I'm asking myself today, "Do I want to go on an adventure?"
I'm always ready for adventure. As long as that adventure isn't too scary or too hard or too stressful or too unsafe. Ha. The other week I remember praying, "God I want an adventure." Because I was so bored with my life at that moment. But then almost taking it back, because I remembered that when you pray those words you never know what you're going to get. You can't control your adventure. Your adventure could end up rocking you, it could end up scaring you, it could end up scarring you-both physically and emotionally. But it could also end up relaxing you, it could end up soothing you, it could end up healing you. Whatever the adventure it will end up shaping you--forming you more into the person God wants you to be. You will discover weird things about yourself. You will discover annoying things about yourself. You will discover awful things about yourself. And You will discover wonderful things about yourself. But mostly you will feel and remember and know that you are alive. And that life is more than just complaining and dreading and wondering and searching and wrestling and ignoring.

Here's what I wrote after California.

Love.

March 3, 2011

(Day After California Adventure)

My finger tips are cold

And my sinuses ache a bit

But I taste the richness of chocolate

Melting throughout the dark boldness of my

Coffee

And this feels like home

Because inside I know that I could be a million other places

With a million other people

But instead

I sit on my bed

Facing my beloved computer

With my feet curled up under me

And the taste of coffee and chocolate lingering in the back of my throat

And I want no other feeling than this

The softness of this blanket

And the tingling of my sinuses

And the sweet

Dark

Rich

Bold

Flavors of chocolate and coffee

Resting in pools

Laying down motionless

Falling asleep at the back of my tongue

Warming my whole body

There’s no other taste I’d rather have

There’s no other softness I’d rather feel

Than this fuzzy blanket on my feet

And the cold quick keys of my computer

And my palms resting on the smooth cold steel

And seeing silver

And black

And this blank white screen becoming filled with

Dainty

Strong

Black

Words

And me

Sitting on my bed

With my legs curled up under me.

Alone

But not lonely

Rested

But not tired

Still

But not bored

Ready

But not anxious

And only vacation can put me here

Back in my real world but not

Restless

Back in my every day life but not

Bored senseless

Back in my room

But not feeling

Locked in a cage

Instead

I feel alive

And at ease

Grateful

And full

And only vacation can put me in this place

Where my soul has gotten a chance to travel

To experience

To live

And to be free

And now she is able to just

Sit

And

Be

Still

Knowing that life is still out there

And in here

And waiting to be lived

But also knowing that her life

Is being lived

Right now

In this moment

As the chocolate runs over my tongue

And the coffee rests at the back of my throat

And the marriage of caffeine seep into my veins

Yet I don’t feel anxious

But instead

Feel

Rested and chilled

Soft like this blanket

And calm like the sound of these words being tapped out by my

Lively fingers

And in this moment I feel

 Like

This

Is

Home.

What my computer might say

I found this writing prompt this morning on writer's digest's website. I thought it was fitting since the prompt calls for it to be morning. I started to post it then, but then got distracted by living life. :) So here it is. I wrote the first one then thought, "I wonder what my computer would really say..." then wrote the second one. I think it would probably sound better if you read the second one first, then the first one, but I'm posting them like I wrote them. Ill have to try reading them in reverse and see how that sounds.

I wonder what I'm going to dream about tonight. Last night I dreamed I was in a grocery store looking for...no idea. I always have really crazy or vivid or detailed dreams. So maybe Ill remember mine tonight and give you a glimpse of the inner workings of my subconscious.

Love to you. I wish I could hug you!

July 15, 2011

One morning you are sitting in front of your computer working on your novel when, suddenly, the computer starts talking to you. What does it say? Does it deliver an important message or just want to chat?

Child

Stop writing and start living. Start oozing with life. Start running towards something instead of away. Open your arms wide and embrace everything you come in contact with. Stop trying and start doing. Stop staring and start asking. Stop repressing and start telling. Telling your story. Open your mouth wide and shout out who you are. And if you don’t know in that moment, shout out who you want to be, and who you are will just collide with that person. You are on fire and you were made to spread across the globe. So spread already. Let your fire ignite the trees and the earth. Let it touch everyone who steps in its path and just burn them down. Consume them up in your fire. Stop waiting and start going. Stop wondering and start acting. Child why are you so tired? Maybe it’s because your mind is always racing. Maybe it’s because your body is moving though you just sit still. So stand up and let it move. Let it race. Let it run. But don’t run away from it, let it take you across the ocean. Let it make you sail on the sea. The summer is here and the sky is pale blue. Periwinkle blue. And the coffee shops are open and the coffee needs to be drank. So go drink it. Hold it in your hands and sip it down. Reminisce on why you liked that shop in the first place. Go sit outside at Humboldt even if it does take you a half hour to get there. Go there. And sit and don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about gas and resources today. Just go sit and stare and ask questions and do. Clean your room but also walk. Tell a story but also sing. And live your life. Let it drip down your arms onto the paper. Let it move inside your soul but don’t keep it locked up in there. Share your life. Breathe your life into existence. Tell yourself who you are and then be that person. Tell yourself what you can do and then do it all. And do it all well. You are a mountain. You are a fire. Go and burn the whole world down.

Hey, you there. The one who keeps pushing my buttons. I like the way it feels when you type on me. so keep doing that. It massages me and makes me feel alive and well used. I like that feeling. So thank you for that. But I do have a complaint. What I don’t like is facebook. I don’t like all of the random profile checks. I don’t like the late night staring at my screen when you know you should be sleeping. I don’t like the random updates on what people you haven’t talked to in years are doing. Why do you even care? I know...you don’t care. Yet you keep reading them as if you do. So let me be the first to tell you, stop. It’s great to hold on to friendships. It’s great to reconnect with people you miss but have lost. It’s great to be connected. But even I know that connection comes from words in person. Connection comes from hugs and smiles and warm food and laughter. The real kind. The kind that echoes in your ears and then reverbs in your soul. Not the kind that LOLs across my page. Connection comes through smells, even the bad ones. The ones that let you know that the person youre sitting across from is actually alive. I enjoy the time we spend together, but I am not alive. So go out and spend some time with actual people, not their online personalities. I love all of the research you do. Really I do. I love looking things up for you and being able to produce infinite amounts of bunny trails. I really do. But I don’t really understand the point of it all. Where is all of this information going? I mean really, what is it all for? Is it so that your brain can be packed full with bits and pieces of every topic in existence? Or do you plan on actually doing something with all of this knowledge one day? The first thing to do would be to take one of these alive smelly people and talk to them about it. And if they don’t get it, talk to someone else about it. And soon you will have a little group of people who actually get all of the research you do on here. And what they don’t get, you will all learn together. And that will be real true community. So my dear friend and owner, while I love the time we spend together I really think you should get out and spend some time with humans like you. And when you want to be alone, spend some time massaging my keys. Type away at my keyboard and create stories and think about your day and analyze life and do that thing I love that you do-write about something.

Subscribe please

Hiya pals
If you read my blog please subscribe. I know by now there's a few people who read this who haven't subscribed. It would be so encouraging to see your pretty little faces appear on the right side of this screen.

Love.

The Cross

I wrote this a couple of months ago, but found it today while looking for a different writing. I just read it and decided to post it. Upon reading it I realized that lightening didn't tear the curtain open, but kept it in because I like the way it sounds. And because I don't edit. :) It's pretty haunting, but so was the cross.

While reading it, think about how much God loves you. Just try for a second to even think about that. It's so hard for me sometimes, so incredibly hard to fathom that fact, but know that he is crazy about you. He is crazy about me. He is crazy about ALL of us. The ONLY reason he endured all of that is because of this crazy all-consuming never-ending outrageous maniacal love he has for us. That's where the beauty is.

Love to you. So much love.

            March 8, 2011

There was nothing beautiful about the Cross. The cross was bloody and battered. It was dirty and dripping in sweat and tears and drops of Christ’s body. We think of the Cross as a work of art. All magical and lovely. Surreal and dreamy. We picture it in paintings hanging in galleries around the world. We configure it into silver and gold pendants and we hang them around our necks or from our ears. We shape it out of bronze, carve it out of wood, and mold it out of clay and then we hang it on a wall and decorate our houses with it. But the cross is not beautiful. It is ugly and dark. It is haunting and horrific. It stands there, on a hill shaped like a skull, which in itself already is very frightening and it forebodes us. It mocks us. It laughs at us.

            Jesus being tortured on a cross is not beauty. It is pain and lies and mistakes and betrayal. It reveals to us just how ugly we are. Just how horrible this world is that it could take a man, flawless and wonderful. The one who created us and stars and the ground we stand on, and beat him, chain him, and hoist him onto an instrument of murder.

            I often forget about how horrific the Cross is. I try to think back to that moment. Try to put myself in the shoes of Jesus’ friends or his family or his mom. Laying there beneath the cross, staring up at my dear friend or my brother or my son being ripped apart and dying before my eyes. It must have been loud there, but also so quiet. I’m sure the loudness was deafening but the emptiness of it all probably stunned them all to silence. It must have been so hot there. Living in the desert. But then also so cold. They must have all had chills, the kind of chills you get when you see someone’s skin being torn off. The kind of chills I have never experienced but can only imagine. It must have smelled awful. The stench of blood mixed with sweat mixed with intestines mixed with urine mixed with feces mixed with flesh. It must have been so bright there. With flames burning all through the night as onlookers stood around and stared at Jesus for hours. But of course it was so dark. Dark as the midnight sky, but also dark as the deepest pits of Hell. I bet there were no stars out that night. As they all hid their faces in shame from the sight of their tortured Creator. I know it was storming because the Bible says that lightning came down and ripped the Temple Curtain. But was it raining? I doubt it because then Jesus wouldn’t have been so thirsty. So instead it was dry. It was loud. It was silent. It was hot. It was cold. It was bright. And it was so incredibly dark.

            I think about the pain in Mary’s heart. About the unfairness of it all. About the hurt she must have felt seeing her tiny baby boy hanging on a Cross. She must have been so angry. She must have been so sad. I wonder if Jesus spoke while he hung from there. I wonder if his family spoke to him. I wonder if they all just stood there, staring at him, stunned to silence. I think about the embarrassment of it all. The embarrassment of being naked in front of his mom. The embarrassment of not being able to go to the bathroom and eventually having to pee on himself. The embarrassment of being torn open. The embarrassment of wearing a fake crown. I think about the women who inevitably had a crush on him. And how they had to look at him now and their hearts broke more and more by the minute.

            I can’t imagine that sight. I can’t imagine that noise. I can’t imagine that smell. I can’t imagine being there. Seeing my Savior, my Creator, My Brother, My friend being tortured and ridiculed and murdered in front of my eyes. I can’t see it as Beautiful. I don’t think in that moment I would have thought, “This is beautiful, someone should make a painting out of this.” I would want to get that image out of my head. I would want to burn my eyes to never ever have to see that again. I’d want to never ever be reminded of that again.

            There’s nothing beautiful about the cross. The beauty came afterwards. The beauty came from an alive Jesus. A renewed Jesus. A free Jesus. A resurrected Jesus. The beauty came from seeing him, the One whom they’d all just seen a few days earlier gashed and bruised and covered in blood, now bonded and healed and completely clean. He was no longer hanging but walking. No longer crying but laughing. He was no longer defeated but empowered. He was no longer the brunt of the joke but the overcomer of all odds. He was no longer the victim but the Victorious One.  He was no longer looking death in the eye but instead offering everyone who saw him new Life. 

His Strength is perfect

I might already have a blog with this title. I am brain dead right now having worked ten hours and 45 mins today. Standing! Wowsers! My whole body aches. But I did it, and I really didn't think I would be able to. Which leads me to the point of this blog. My God is always strong. And when my strength fails me His strength is always perfect.

I heard this song on my drive home, while my eyes struggled to make out the lines and my head drifted off into space. I looked over and saw a sunset with streaks of pink and blue and yellow and thought about how beautiful God is. How much he loves us. He just does things like that, makes beautiful sunsets, a gentle breeze, warm nights just because he loves us.

I wish I was sleeping outside tonight. Laying in a field of dandelions with the white fuzzy stuff floating all over me and staring up at the sky. Feeling held by God. Warm and rested.

Sometimes I hit a low. A point in my life where I just want to crawl underneath a rock and hide. Oftentimes I just want to RUN. Far away. I've always considered myself a gypsy. Here for a short while then onto the next stop. Traveling the line on a train and staring out of the window. Dreaming big dreams with a whole life stretched out in front of me. Lately I've had the urge to run. But God reminds me that it is through the pain that he gets to the best parts of me. It is, like my tattoo reminds me, through my brokenness that I become beautiful.

My life is like a mosaic. Broken pieces of glass that most would have tossed away. But my Dad picks them up and glues them into a work of art. Something so beautiful out of all of the broken pieces.

God is so good. He reminds me of who I am even when I forget. He picks me up from ashes and starts afresh. He calms my gypsy soul and begs me to "Please just stay. Even when it's hard. Even when you want to run. Even when California calls your name and the train whistles sing you a lullaby. Just stay. Right here. For a while."

Here's the song I heard on the way home.

Love you so.

Strong Enough--Matthew West

You must, You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

(Chorus)
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe, maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

Chorus

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and You are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Chorus

Echoes

I love those moments when God repeats something to you. Those times in your life when you read something, and then hear a sermon on it, then hear it on TV. Or you pray something, then see a billboard about it, then hear it on the radio. Lately God has been repeating things to me and it is SO AWESOME! I love these times. I love when I can hear God and I know that he is so REAL and I know that he is active. Actually active in my teeny little life. It makes life so much more worth living when I realize that God the Creator of the Universe, the same one who birthed The Messiah and holds Canus Majorus in His hands is actually active in my life, is actually showing up in my life, is actually speaking to me in my little bitty life.

I had a rough few months between December and March. I was pretty lonely and felt discouraged in my work life. I was feeling so confused and searching so desperately and so lost in my thoughts. I went on a trip to see some friends in California during this time which was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. It was so spontaneous and impractical and bad for my pocket book and random, but it was just what I needed. A random crazy spontaneous impractical vacation to one of the most chaotic crowded wild and both life-sucking and life-giving cities in the world. While sitting on a beach one day in sunny California, I came upon Isaiah 43. I remember that day. I remember being so at peace. I remember being so jealous that I didn't live there. I remember wanting to stay right there forever.

I was praying and asking God for direction. I was feeling called to California and I just kept feeling like God was confirming that in so many ways. I haven't moved there yet, but part of me still feels it. However I know it's not the time now. Anyhow while sitting on that beach, all alone, staring out at the ocean, and praying to my Father, I came upon that passage. Isaiah 43. It was so comforting.

1 But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
      O Israel, the one who formed you says,
   “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
      I have called you by name; you are mine.
 ² When you go through deep waters,
      I will be with you.
   When you go through rivers of difficulty,
      you will not drown.
   When you walk through the fire of oppression,
      you will not be burned up;
      the flames will not consume you.
 ³ For I am the Lord, your God,
      the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
   I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom;
      I gave Ethiopia^[a] and Seba in your place.
 ⁴ Others were given in exchange for you.
      I traded their lives for yours
   because you are precious to me.
      You are honored, and I love you.
 ⁵ “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
      I will gather you and your children from east and west.
 ⁶ I will say to the north and south,
      ‘Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel
      from the distant corners of the earth.
 ⁷ Bring all who claim me as their God,
      for I have made them for my glory.
      It was I who created them.’”

God was telling me "Do not be afraid." Promising me that he was with me. That he is always with me. I felt like he was confirming move to California. Or in the very least, promising to go with me. One of the verses that stood out to me was 19.

¹⁹ For I am about to do something new.
      See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
   I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
      I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

I remember being so excited by that verse. God was about to do something new. No more days of confusion and loneliness. No more despair and loss of direction. My God, the one who brought the Israelites out of Egypt. The one who led Moses through the desert was about to do something new.

So of course I forgot about it. In classic me fashion, I was pumped and them promptly forgot God's promises to me.

But then, two weeks ago I was at my last class for BSF. We went through Isaiah this year, and one of the women stood up and quoted Isaiah 43:19. When I thumbed through my Bible to find it, I saw that I had underlined it that day in California. But this time when I read it, the words, "Do you not see it?" stood out to me. As if God was asking me, "Child, do you not see it? I am doing it RIGHT NOW!" So I circled those words and held onto that hope.

So of course I forgot about it...

But then, last night, I was at a friend of mines house and he asked me what mug I wanted to use. I picked a certain one out of the three he offered and I have no idea why. Something about the color of it. Later, for some odd reason, I was holding it over my head when I saw, written on the bottom, "Isaiah 43:19." So I grabbed a Bible that was sitting right next to me and read it. And lo and behold it was that verse. The one I'd forgotten about. The one God kept reminding me of.

I told my friends about it and they were not at all as excited about it as I was. So I thought, maybe it was just a me thing. But then tonight I went by one of my other friend's houses. She usually gets excited about the things I get excited about so I thought I would run it past her. Afterward, she told me that whole passage is incredibly important to her. God uses Isaiah 43 to speak to her often. And I knew that God was using it to speak to both of us.

He is doing something new in both of our lives. He has not forgotten us. He is with us. He will lead a way through the wilderness and he will give water to the desert. He is with us. I also felt like God was confirming our friendship, which I know he has already done.  I'm not sure yet what God is doing in my life, but I know it is new. I know it is beautiful. I know it is good. I know it is redemption.

So God echoes peeps. He echoes through repeating Bible verses, stories, words.  He shows us secrets that are only between us and Him and then pops them up in random places at random times. It might seem like a common Bible verse or a phrase that people are just repeating, but that's not always the case. Sometimes it's something that God wants you to hear. He wants you to try to remember. I for one think it's pretty AMAZING. God, in all of his Glory, choosing to repeat himself to little itty bitty me.

I love Him so much. What an amazing God we are honored to be loved by.

Love.

Driving in the rain

I’m driving in the rain

At night

With the music up 
Loud enough 
To

Reverb in my soul

With

Bursts of lightening

Brightening up everything around me

I’m moving towards you

While my hands are on the wheel.

My eyes are peeled on the road

Yet

I still see you

Only you

I feel your breath on my skin

And it warms me

My arms and legs tingle

While each hair stands on end

I want to hold onto you

But you feel so far away

While

At the same time I feel like you are

Right

Here

Sitting in this car with me

Driving down this road with me

You are the only one I want to sit here

You are the only one I want to be with

Right now

While my eyes peer ahead at the highways

Side streets

And dark country roads

And

My car is filled with music

Songs sung both to you and about you

Each word meaning more than the one before

Painting a picture of a

Perfect

Love

The one who I want so much to be with

But can’t be

The one I forget about so often

When I get caught up in

“What

Do

You

Want

Me

To

Do

For

You”

While all the while you say

“Just keep sitting here”

But riding now

In this car with you

With my eyes glued on the road

I feel you

The real you

The best you

The one who I feel when I am the closest to you

The one who I remember when I’m looking back on the best 
Parts of my life

The one who I so often forget

When I get stuck on the

Wrathful

Vengeful

Authoritative

One

The one I push aside when I am so caught up in

Looking for a cheap imitation of you

In the skin 
Of a human

That one

I feel you now

While driving down this road I’m on

And my eyes are stuck on these city streets

While I want to be nearer to you

But instead

I feel you

Yet do not see you

I know that you are here

Yet do not hear you

I want so much to touch you

Yet cannot reach you

So I keep driving down these highways

Crossing each bridge

I come to

Hoping that one of these bridges might

Collapse

And I will end up

So much

Closer

To

You.