Still and rested

I wrote this after I got back from visiting California in the Spring.
I found it today while searching "Adventure" on my computer.
I'm asking myself today, "Do I want to go on an adventure?"
I'm always ready for adventure. As long as that adventure isn't too scary or too hard or too stressful or too unsafe. Ha. The other week I remember praying, "God I want an adventure." Because I was so bored with my life at that moment. But then almost taking it back, because I remembered that when you pray those words you never know what you're going to get. You can't control your adventure. Your adventure could end up rocking you, it could end up scaring you, it could end up scarring you-both physically and emotionally. But it could also end up relaxing you, it could end up soothing you, it could end up healing you. Whatever the adventure it will end up shaping you--forming you more into the person God wants you to be. You will discover weird things about yourself. You will discover annoying things about yourself. You will discover awful things about yourself. And You will discover wonderful things about yourself. But mostly you will feel and remember and know that you are alive. And that life is more than just complaining and dreading and wondering and searching and wrestling and ignoring.

Here's what I wrote after California.

Love.

March 3, 2011

(Day After California Adventure)

My finger tips are cold

And my sinuses ache a bit

But I taste the richness of chocolate

Melting throughout the dark boldness of my

Coffee

And this feels like home

Because inside I know that I could be a million other places

With a million other people

But instead

I sit on my bed

Facing my beloved computer

With my feet curled up under me

And the taste of coffee and chocolate lingering in the back of my throat

And I want no other feeling than this

The softness of this blanket

And the tingling of my sinuses

And the sweet

Dark

Rich

Bold

Flavors of chocolate and coffee

Resting in pools

Laying down motionless

Falling asleep at the back of my tongue

Warming my whole body

There’s no other taste I’d rather have

There’s no other softness I’d rather feel

Than this fuzzy blanket on my feet

And the cold quick keys of my computer

And my palms resting on the smooth cold steel

And seeing silver

And black

And this blank white screen becoming filled with

Dainty

Strong

Black

Words

And me

Sitting on my bed

With my legs curled up under me.

Alone

But not lonely

Rested

But not tired

Still

But not bored

Ready

But not anxious

And only vacation can put me here

Back in my real world but not

Restless

Back in my every day life but not

Bored senseless

Back in my room

But not feeling

Locked in a cage

Instead

I feel alive

And at ease

Grateful

And full

And only vacation can put me in this place

Where my soul has gotten a chance to travel

To experience

To live

And to be free

And now she is able to just

Sit

And

Be

Still

Knowing that life is still out there

And in here

And waiting to be lived

But also knowing that her life

Is being lived

Right now

In this moment

As the chocolate runs over my tongue

And the coffee rests at the back of my throat

And the marriage of caffeine seep into my veins

Yet I don’t feel anxious

But instead

Feel

Rested and chilled

Soft like this blanket

And calm like the sound of these words being tapped out by my

Lively fingers

And in this moment I feel

 Like

This

Is

Home.