There’s this thing that we all do. I do it. You probably do it too. We agree to something or suggest something or say something at all just to be nice. Oftentimes we feel like this is a great idea. That saying this thing or suggesting this thing or agreeing to this thing is a really wonderful choice of action. But then, after thinking about it or living it out, after a few minutes pass or a few days or a few weeks, we realize that what we said yes to or suggested was really not a good idea at all.
Sometimes we panic. And in that panicking we begin to doubt our choice of words. Sometimes it really was a great idea in the first place and it’s a really great thing to do, but over time we have speaker’s remorse and we no longer believe what we first believed. Other times we never really believed it at all, but instead we just wanted to be nice.
Just being nice is never a good thing. When we do it we are hoping that in our niceness the other person will like us. We want them to look at us and think, “She is such a kind or generous or thoughtful person” and this “being nice” thing is only a means to that. That’s the only thing we hope to accomplish from it.
But, so often, it backfires. The other person takes our niceness and doesn’t realize that we’re just being nice and instead thinks that we’re doing the opposite. Being sincere. And so he or she takes the words we have said or the suggestion or the agreement and turns it into truth. When really all along we never meant for them to take those words literally.
And this always backfires.
After we realize that the other person really believes us, we realize that we actually have to follow through on what we have said. When in actuality what we have said was a lie. So we end up having to either commit to this lie or slowly back our way out of it. When you begin backing out of a lie or a commitment, the other person always ends up getting hurt. Or at the very least confused.
I think that this is the most sure-fire way of breaking off a relationship. Slowly the other person starts to realize that you really didn’t mean what you said and there goes your integrity. And then he or she starts to wonder if you ever really meant anything you’ve ever said at all. And there goes your relationship.
This always gets messy. A friend of mine wrote a status update on facebook about girls who instead of saying “No” to men who ask them out say “Maybe” when in fact they mean no. And how women should just say no in the first place. I have to agree. I’ve done this before. Said “maybe” when I meant “no.” I’ve said, “we’ll see” when I meant “no.” I’ve said, “I’ll have to see how things go” when I meant “no.” And I’ve even said, “Sure” when I really meant “no.”
I don’t know why it’s so hard for us to say no. I think it’s because we are so afraid of what people will think of us. Sometimes I really do think something is a good idea and I want to do it, but then for some reason, I just don’t end up doing it. But other times, I don’t say no because I don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
But the horrible thing about this is that in saying “maybe” or “we’ll see” when I really mean “no,” I always end up hurting the other person’s feelings. Because when you hear someone say yes to something or suggest something and then they don’t follow through on it or they come up with scenarios to not follow through or they try to convince you it’s a horrible idea so that you won’t make them follow through it always ends up hurting you more than if they had just said no in the first place.
I get so annoyed when people shoot me down and say "no" before they’ve even thought about it. But then, maybe these are really the people who I should respect the most. Because it’s so much cleaner and neater and saves you so much questioning and stressing and in the end heart ache, when the person just says no to begin with.
So, let’s try to be people who mean what we say and say what we mean. Who never say “maybe” but always say an emphatic “YES” and then follow through. Or who choose to say a committed, firm, and thoughtful “No” and then allow every one else to just move on with their lives. Instead of forcing them to sit and wait in the stagnant space of an insincere maybe.
Love.
