Hug Longer

Saturday I had a really great day. I hung out with new friends at a random party that I had to force myself to go to. All by myself. Which is always hard when no one is pushing you out the door or arranging to meet you at a specific time. I drove a half hour and got lost. But I made it. And was happy I went.

Then I got home and did the thing that I had JUST read earlier that day that you should never do. I checked my email before going to bed. And an old friend from Grad school had contacted me to tell me that another friend, an older friend, a closer friend, had just died.

I knew it was coming. I didn't want to think it might happen and in my heart I had decided it wasn't going to anymore. But, part of me knew it might. This friend of mine had been diagnosed with cancer right after I graduated. In 2007. I remember her being really sick then and me being scared and sending a card and emails. But then. Nothing. For years. I didn't hear anything. I didn't see updates on Facebook. And I kind of forgot about it. Until a few weeks ago. For some reason a few weeks ago I started thinking about her again. And checking her facebook. And reading her caringbridge. And I started remembering her. For some reason. So then when I found this out just a few weeks later, I should've known it was coming. But it still came out of nowhere.

And now all I want to do is see her. All I want is to get those four years back. All I want is to tell her that she is my friend and that I won't forget her. All I want to do is laugh with her. Really hard. And all I want to do is hug her.

The part that is the worst is that we stopped talking. Right before graduation. I don't remember why. I don't want to. But we did. We were really close for three semesters, then all of a sudden, we weren't. But then after she got cancer, we emailed and so I have to know that everything was amended. That we reconciled. That everything was made new again.

So I keep thinking of her. I keep thinking of that first day we met in Coms 591. I remember us both being so scared. I remember us making jokes and passing notes. I remember us bonding because we had the same nick name. Nicky and Nikki. I remember us being so tight and talking about Media and complaining about professors. But mostly laughing.

I remember some bad things too. Some stupid girl things. Some stupid grad school competition things. But I don't want to remember those. Because now is a time for romanticizing. Now isn't a time for regrets. Now isn't a time for remorse. Now is a time for remembering all the best moments. The most fun moments. The sweetest moments. The friend moments.

So now I ll think about the time she came over at the end of that last semester. And I had a party at my house for my Documentary class. Ill remember us smiling for the camera. And watching cartoons. And drinking beer.

But mostly Ill remember us laughing. And Ill remember hugging her. Being Nicky and Nikki. And being friends.

So to all my new friends and my old friends and my always friends, know that I might always hug you longer than you expect. It's because I've had so many moments like this one, when I wish that I could go back and just hug longer. 

Love you Nikki.

Love you all.