Echoes

I love those moments when God repeats something to you. Those times in your life when you read something, and then hear a sermon on it, then hear it on TV. Or you pray something, then see a billboard about it, then hear it on the radio. Lately God has been repeating things to me and it is SO AWESOME! I love these times. I love when I can hear God and I know that he is so REAL and I know that he is active. Actually active in my teeny little life. It makes life so much more worth living when I realize that God the Creator of the Universe, the same one who birthed The Messiah and holds Canus Majorus in His hands is actually active in my life, is actually showing up in my life, is actually speaking to me in my little bitty life.

I had a rough few months between December and March. I was pretty lonely and felt discouraged in my work life. I was feeling so confused and searching so desperately and so lost in my thoughts. I went on a trip to see some friends in California during this time which was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. It was so spontaneous and impractical and bad for my pocket book and random, but it was just what I needed. A random crazy spontaneous impractical vacation to one of the most chaotic crowded wild and both life-sucking and life-giving cities in the world. While sitting on a beach one day in sunny California, I came upon Isaiah 43. I remember that day. I remember being so at peace. I remember being so jealous that I didn't live there. I remember wanting to stay right there forever.

I was praying and asking God for direction. I was feeling called to California and I just kept feeling like God was confirming that in so many ways. I haven't moved there yet, but part of me still feels it. However I know it's not the time now. Anyhow while sitting on that beach, all alone, staring out at the ocean, and praying to my Father, I came upon that passage. Isaiah 43. It was so comforting.

1 But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
      O Israel, the one who formed you says,
   “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
      I have called you by name; you are mine.
 ² When you go through deep waters,
      I will be with you.
   When you go through rivers of difficulty,
      you will not drown.
   When you walk through the fire of oppression,
      you will not be burned up;
      the flames will not consume you.
 ³ For I am the Lord, your God,
      the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
   I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom;
      I gave Ethiopia^[a] and Seba in your place.
 ⁴ Others were given in exchange for you.
      I traded their lives for yours
   because you are precious to me.
      You are honored, and I love you.
 ⁵ “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
      I will gather you and your children from east and west.
 ⁶ I will say to the north and south,
      ‘Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel
      from the distant corners of the earth.
 ⁷ Bring all who claim me as their God,
      for I have made them for my glory.
      It was I who created them.’”

God was telling me "Do not be afraid." Promising me that he was with me. That he is always with me. I felt like he was confirming move to California. Or in the very least, promising to go with me. One of the verses that stood out to me was 19.

¹⁹ For I am about to do something new.
      See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
   I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
      I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

I remember being so excited by that verse. God was about to do something new. No more days of confusion and loneliness. No more despair and loss of direction. My God, the one who brought the Israelites out of Egypt. The one who led Moses through the desert was about to do something new.

So of course I forgot about it. In classic me fashion, I was pumped and them promptly forgot God's promises to me.

But then, two weeks ago I was at my last class for BSF. We went through Isaiah this year, and one of the women stood up and quoted Isaiah 43:19. When I thumbed through my Bible to find it, I saw that I had underlined it that day in California. But this time when I read it, the words, "Do you not see it?" stood out to me. As if God was asking me, "Child, do you not see it? I am doing it RIGHT NOW!" So I circled those words and held onto that hope.

So of course I forgot about it...

But then, last night, I was at a friend of mines house and he asked me what mug I wanted to use. I picked a certain one out of the three he offered and I have no idea why. Something about the color of it. Later, for some odd reason, I was holding it over my head when I saw, written on the bottom, "Isaiah 43:19." So I grabbed a Bible that was sitting right next to me and read it. And lo and behold it was that verse. The one I'd forgotten about. The one God kept reminding me of.

I told my friends about it and they were not at all as excited about it as I was. So I thought, maybe it was just a me thing. But then tonight I went by one of my other friend's houses. She usually gets excited about the things I get excited about so I thought I would run it past her. Afterward, she told me that whole passage is incredibly important to her. God uses Isaiah 43 to speak to her often. And I knew that God was using it to speak to both of us.

He is doing something new in both of our lives. He has not forgotten us. He is with us. He will lead a way through the wilderness and he will give water to the desert. He is with us. I also felt like God was confirming our friendship, which I know he has already done.  I'm not sure yet what God is doing in my life, but I know it is new. I know it is beautiful. I know it is good. I know it is redemption.

So God echoes peeps. He echoes through repeating Bible verses, stories, words.  He shows us secrets that are only between us and Him and then pops them up in random places at random times. It might seem like a common Bible verse or a phrase that people are just repeating, but that's not always the case. Sometimes it's something that God wants you to hear. He wants you to try to remember. I for one think it's pretty AMAZING. God, in all of his Glory, choosing to repeat himself to little itty bitty me.

I love Him so much. What an amazing God we are honored to be loved by.

Love.

Driving in the rain

I’m driving in the rain

At night

With the music up 
Loud enough 
To

Reverb in my soul

With

Bursts of lightening

Brightening up everything around me

I’m moving towards you

While my hands are on the wheel.

My eyes are peeled on the road

Yet

I still see you

Only you

I feel your breath on my skin

And it warms me

My arms and legs tingle

While each hair stands on end

I want to hold onto you

But you feel so far away

While

At the same time I feel like you are

Right

Here

Sitting in this car with me

Driving down this road with me

You are the only one I want to sit here

You are the only one I want to be with

Right now

While my eyes peer ahead at the highways

Side streets

And dark country roads

And

My car is filled with music

Songs sung both to you and about you

Each word meaning more than the one before

Painting a picture of a

Perfect

Love

The one who I want so much to be with

But can’t be

The one I forget about so often

When I get caught up in

“What

Do

You

Want

Me

To

Do

For

You”

While all the while you say

“Just keep sitting here”

But riding now

In this car with you

With my eyes glued on the road

I feel you

The real you

The best you

The one who I feel when I am the closest to you

The one who I remember when I’m looking back on the best 
Parts of my life

The one who I so often forget

When I get stuck on the

Wrathful

Vengeful

Authoritative

One

The one I push aside when I am so caught up in

Looking for a cheap imitation of you

In the skin 
Of a human

That one

I feel you now

While driving down this road I’m on

And my eyes are stuck on these city streets

While I want to be nearer to you

But instead

I feel you

Yet do not see you

I know that you are here

Yet do not hear you

I want so much to touch you

Yet cannot reach you

So I keep driving down these highways

Crossing each bridge

I come to

Hoping that one of these bridges might

Collapse

And I will end up

So much

Closer

To

You.

Water Worries

For as long as I can remember I've had serious issues with water. Bill Hybels talks about this idea called "A Holy Discontent." From what I understand, it's something that drives you or bothers you or motivates you from somewhere deep inside and pushes you to action. I think it's usually some injustice or something that's wrong with the world, but it seems to connect to you in a strong way. For me one of these things would be water.

I think this may have started when I was a little girl and I saw something on Nickelodeon or Sesame Street or Mr Roger's about conserving water. But I just remember way back not running the water when I brushed my teeth and not wanting to take baths (although that may have been for other reasons ;)  ). Around my house my family gets so sick of me because I'm ALWAYS running behind them turning off faucets and I always have a fit when we water the grass. I think the concept of watering your grass is one of the stupidest things ever. I can NEVER understand the point of this, and when I finally have a house one day I will have the brownest yard on the block, and suburbia police will probably kick me out of the neighborhood. Who am I kidding I will never buy a house in suburbia.

But I digress. Water and me. Wasting water drives me crazy. I know that one day there will be wars fought over water and that freaks the crap out of me. And all of this is just going down the drain drop by drop. I'm a firm believer of "If it's yellow let it mellow" and I try my best to conserve water. I do need to start taking shorter showers or at least showering less often. Get ready for that my friends! :)

So I really want to figure out a way to spread awareness of water conservation or figure out an ingenious water filtration and irrigation system. I feel so helpless in this water war.

Here's a poem I wrote today.

Love to you all. It's been a while since I've blogged but that's a whole nother blog in itself.

I am thirsty

My mouth is parched and

My body is

Dry

Wanting to soak up any ounce of

Liquid

I can get my hands on

I need you like

Oxygen

And while I breathe in and out I

Stop myself

Afraid of losing even more

Moisture

I close my mouth

Trying to breathe through my nose

While all the while

Searching

For any sight of what looks like

Water

I find it

Murky and brown

Stagnant and festering

It sits in a puddle

Below my feet

I wonder how many people have stepped in this before me

I wonder how many animals have used this as their

Toilet

But I cannot wonder about that now

There is no time to think

No time can be wasted

My desperation grows

As my body aches

I know that what I need the most might

Kill me

As is the case so often with

Desperation

But I cannot be afraid of death

Because my need is just too great

My desire overwhelms my sense of

Logic

My emptiness consumes my ability to

Reason

So

I fall to my knees

Flinging my arms at the sides of this puddle

I dive in

Head first

Letting my mouth fall to the surface of the

Mud

I hold my breath

Pressing my lips against the

Wetness

And I

Drink

Deeply.

I can’t afford to think about the future

About days in the bathroom

Or hours spent vomiting into a bucket

I don’t quite understand what the parasites

Will do to my body

Although I know for sure that something dire will happen

But my urgency is stronger than my

Fear

And this moment is more real than

Tomorrow